So in August 2020 I tried to begin the journey back to me but no…… not yet because COVID will rule everything! I did work out for a long time at forever strong even on Zoom but my weight really did not go down much, I got stronger and felt good but was I going to do this level of exercise for the rest of my life? No.. No Way. So this just wasn’t my thing. It also confirmed what I already knew you can’t work out a bad diet.

Back to COVID everyone’s arch nemesis! This is a reminder of what we faced during COVD.

September the kids started home school and the focus was on them. (Not me) I didn’t know that this is an excuse, at least it is not an obvious one, but if I put all my efforts into other people, I didn’t have to take care of myself. I didn’t know that was my thing until now.

The rest of 2020 was a blur. The 2021 began with the same crap as 2020. COVID, home schooling and now the mental health of both of my beautiful daughters is damaged. They are both depressed, have anxieties they now have lost that lust for life. Day in and day out during home school they barely got out of bed, they didn’t see their friends things were bad.

I also began working at home during COVID and it has its strengths and weaknesses. I loved not having to drive to DC and pay a fortune in parking and lose 3+ hours a day in the *&^%$ car. But I stopped “getting ready” and wore comfy yoga pants and t-shirts all day. That is good at first but then 6 months in you cant remember when you put mascara on or perfume. So I guess I let myself go even more.

There has got to be a way for me to get back on the Journey back to me.

Stay Tuned….

Be yourself, everyone else is already taken!

I have had a lot of loss in the past three years.  In that loss, I lost a love for myself.  This post begins my journey back to me, loving myself more , caring more for myself and to starting to smile, laugh and shine again.  

When Mom got sick I turned my focus to her, I am a Cancer and I care for others. But in doing that I stopped caring about myself. I started to eat bad, didn’t exercise, drank way too much. That trifecta started a slow and steady weight gain. I have gained 75 lbs. since Mom got sick. With the weight gain, I lost myself. I feel like my light dimmed. I started to avoid gatherings, if you know me that is NOT who I am! I started to avoid cameras, where I used to be the camera hog. I just wasn’t the same Terri that I used to be.

Even though for the past 4 years the scale has been climbing I was not able to stop it or turn it around. I know it was grief that did this to me. But I have reached the point that I want to change, I need to change not just for myself but for my health and for my family.

It is the end of August 2020 and I had to suffer one more year of summer where it is hard to hide fat. Oh don’t even mention Corona Virus and the Global Pandemic! I am driving Reese to her friends house and I look at this place called Forever Strong only 8 minutes away from my house. On the way back I pulled in and called the number. I met the owner and she is amazing. Right then and there I am hooked – it is expensive but I am worth it. I started working out with a trainer 3 times a week. I love the people, I love the workouts, and I have seen real progress in how I feel. The weight has not improved but I feel better and that counts!

What I discovered (I knew all along just needed proof) you can’t work out bad habits. My bad habits are drinking, sitting too much, not being consistent with eating healthy, snacking at night. I can change all of those things. I can walk more, I can stop snacking at night, I can stop or slow my alcohol intake. That is where I am… watch me work!

A day I will never forget as long as I live. It was 10:00am on May 27, 2018 my husband woke me (I never sleep this late) saying the cops are here. I rubbed my eyes and came rushing down the stairs. In front of me was standing my brothers two friends and a cop. One of his friends had a bloody bandage on his head. They proceeded to tell me that Dan had been in a boat accident the night before…. that moment my heart stopped beating and I don’t feel like it ever started again. They told me that he was coming back from dinner in Annapolis it was too dark, he as going too fast and he’d been drinking. I started to sob in disbelief, this is not real, this can’t be happening. I felt my chest tighten like I never felt before. I tried to scream, but it wouldn’t come out. It felt like all of the air in my lungs had been sucked out. Everyone wanted to hug me but I just didn’t want to be touched. My girls were awoken by my screams. They stood there just frozen with shock.

I later found out that he hit a day marker which is not lit at night. He died almost instantly from the force of the accident. He knows that river, he knows that marker, he’s driven that same route for 20 years. How could this happen? His friends were ok, which is a blessing. Was it the alcohol, was it the speed, was it the unlit marker? Yes it was all of those things…. if just one thing were taken away from the equation he may still be here.

On the heels of losing my mom this just broke me! I can’t explain how empty and sad I felt. I got up, went to work, came home, repeat. I felt sad all the time, I cried all the time. I never thought I would be the same person again. There I sat completely broken……

After Mom died Dan and I flew home the next morning, I awoke with the stomach flu. Christmas morning I was sick as shit, I was terribly sad and I had a hole in my heart. Not only had I already lost my Dad earlier in my life, but now I lost my Mom too.

My mom was an amazing person who lived her life making others happy. She taught me to always be myself, to love myself, to laugh at myself to have fun. Every day she woke up she made her bed, took a shower and got dressed with her Mr. T starter set (that is what we called her gold necklaces), perfumed, hair perfect. There was NEVER a lay around day for Mom she was always on the go. It used to drive me nuts but I think I have a little of it too, ask Brett… I can’t stand to have nothing to do.

Now it is 2017 – I have no parents. This is normal in life but I wasn’t even fifty yet so it seemed unfair, too early! Someone said to me but now your the Matriarch! I do not want to be the Matriarch! I am having a hard time not having family above me. Yes, I have an two Uncles and an Aunt but its just not the same. It is too early in my life to not have parents. No one tells you about this feeling… it is like your a new member to a club of emptiness. Who do I call for advice? Who do I ask how to make homemade ranch dressing? I guess for me now I turn to friends as my family. My husband, my girls they will help me fill the hole in my heart.

I lost the love for myself…..It all started with my mother getting sick. She was a healthy fun loving 72 year old woman who loved to live her life with her boyfriend Chuck, socialize, play golf, go out with friends. She started to get a numb feeling in her lip and couldn’t figure out why. Doctor after doctor there was no clear diagnosis. There were plenty of misdiagnosis that is for sure, all the while that were were trying to find out why her lip was numb her cancer was growing. I spent the next 18 months of my life fighting for her life. After finding the BEST doctor using blood, sweat and tears and even buying his staff lunch again and again just to get her in to see him (year long waiting list) we got a diagnosis.

Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma…..

It is not a very common cancer could have been caused by smoking years ago but we really don’t know. I was flying back and forth to Florida, because she was too proud and independent to come live with me. I rented her an apartment next to one of the best Cancer centers in America and for the next 12 weeks we got treatment. I say WE because Chuck, my brother and I were with her every step of the way. The tumor was described as a tsunami crawling up the back of her skull from the base of her neck. Due to this tumor she could not swallow, not food not water NOTHING! Against her will we convinced her to get a tube to be able to eat, drink and stay strong during her treatment. She was a nurse and they are the WORST patients. Talk about non-compliant with food, H20 and meds. This woman drove me nuts and I also drive her nuts with keeping her on food and medicine regimen. All this took a toll on her beautiful spirit. I watched her slip into depression. She had limited energy and did not have the spirit to fight to beat this thing. Because she knew the battle was not one she could win. After the treatments were over and she rang the victory bell at the cancer center we got the terrible news. The cancer had already spread to her liver and her bones.
Once she got that diagnosis she refused all other treatments, no more radiation, no chemotherapy. She didn’t want to live the rest of her life suffering. But she was suffering, she could not drink , she could not eat, she began to see double as the tumor grew near her optic nerve. Mom had reached the point where she didn’t want to live anymore. A side effect of the tumor is that she produced so much mucous in her mouth, it was choking her on a daily basis and nothing would take it away. I remember the day I told her, Mom, you don’t have to live anymore if you don’t want to. The power is in your hands. You can take out the tube and refuse to eat or drink. I think she was relived to hear that from Dan and I because she was fighting for us but we needed to let her know it was OK to let go and throw in the towel.

A few weeks later that is exactly what she did she was already in hospice care and one day Chuck called me and she was miserable choking on the mucus and he took her to a hospice center near her home. That was the day she decided “I am done”! Chuck was ready to break her out of there as he saw the signs that she was done. I told him this is what she wants, she is tired of fighting a disease she will not beat. Let her take matters into her own hands instead of letting the cancer take her. On December 15, 2016 my mom said “take out the tube” and from that day on she refused food or water. She was already 95 pounds to begin with. She did wake up one day and ask for a coke – she took one sip and went back to sleep. We were by her side everyday. She was in pain but they kept her sedated and comfortable. Nine days later at 1:00 am on Christmas Eve she died peacefully. That day my heart broke and so did my spirit. She was the wind beneath my wings and that day I stopped flying. So that is how it all started…..