I lost the love for myself…..It all started with my mother getting sick. She was a healthy fun loving 72 year old woman who loved to live her life with her boyfriend Chuck, socialize, play golf, go out with friends. She started to get a numb feeling in her lip and couldn’t figure out why. Doctor after doctor there was no clear diagnosis. There were plenty of misdiagnosis that is for sure, all the while that were were trying to find out why her lip was numb her cancer was growing. I spent the next 18 months of my life fighting for her life. After finding the BEST doctor using blood, sweat and tears and even buying his staff lunch again and again just to get her in to see him (year long waiting list) we got a diagnosis.
Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma…..
It is not a very common cancer could have been caused by smoking years ago but we really don’t know. I was flying back and forth to Florida, because she was too proud and independent to come live with me. I rented her an apartment next to one of the best Cancer centers in America and for the next 12 weeks we got treatment. I say WE because Chuck, my brother and I were with her every step of the way. The tumor was described as a tsunami crawling up the back of her skull from the base of her neck. Due to this tumor she could not swallow, not food not water NOTHING! Against her will we convinced her to get a tube to be able to eat, drink and stay strong during her treatment. She was a nurse and they are the WORST patients. Talk about non-compliant with food, H20 and meds. This woman drove me nuts and I also drive her nuts with keeping her on food and medicine regimen. All this took a toll on her beautiful spirit. I watched her slip into depression. She had limited energy and did not have the spirit to fight to beat this thing. Because she knew the battle was not one she could win. After the treatments were over and she rang the victory bell at the cancer center we got the terrible news. The cancer had already spread to her liver and her bones.
Once she got that diagnosis she refused all other treatments, no more radiation, no chemotherapy. She didn’t want to live the rest of her life suffering. But she was suffering, she could not drink , she could not eat, she began to see double as the tumor grew near her optic nerve. Mom had reached the point where she didn’t want to live anymore. A side effect of the tumor is that she produced so much mucous in her mouth, it was choking her on a daily basis and nothing would take it away. I remember the day I told her, Mom, you don’t have to live anymore if you don’t want to. The power is in your hands. You can take out the tube and refuse to eat or drink. I think she was relived to hear that from Dan and I because she was fighting for us but we needed to let her know it was OK to let go and throw in the towel.
A few weeks later that is exactly what she did she was already in hospice care and one day Chuck called me and she was miserable choking on the mucus and he took her to a hospice center near her home. That was the day she decided “I am done”! Chuck was ready to break her out of there as he saw the signs that she was done. I told him this is what she wants, she is tired of fighting a disease she will not beat. Let her take matters into her own hands instead of letting the cancer take her. On December 15, 2016 my mom said “take out the tube” and from that day on she refused food or water. She was already 95 pounds to begin with. She did wake up one day and ask for a coke – she took one sip and went back to sleep. We were by her side everyday. She was in pain but they kept her sedated and comfortable. Nine days later at 1:00 am on Christmas Eve she died peacefully. That day my heart broke and so did my spirit. She was the wind beneath my wings and that day I stopped flying. So that is how it all started…..
A journey back to me 